I go through life with an ever increasing awareness of the absences in my life. The places where I have let myself or others down. The places where the world around me seems broken somehow. The places where others have hurt me or let me down. The places where I have, intentionally or otherwise, caused hurt. The places where it just seems like this can’t be it, this can’t be all there is. I have holes.
I see the world as full of holes. At times I see the holes more clearly than the rest. At my best, I am still aware of the holes, I can still see them, they are still all around me. The holes some days become more important than the rest, they consume me, they threaten to devour me. I worry that others can see that, but the truth is that we all have the holes, some of us just see around them better. I think we are all so focused on not letting others see our holes that we rarely help others to patch the holes we do see. I wonder what life would be like if we tried to help others see around their holes, or helped them patch the holes.
I long for something to fill in the holes, to return me to a place I really can’t remember where there were no holes. I recognize though, that such a place isn’t the world we live in, it is too flawed, we make a mess of it, cause we humans are a messy group of people.
I have holes in my soul, it hurts…quite a lot most days.