Ever had that moment when you reveal a frightening truth about your own weaknesses, your own lack, your own worst picture, and some person in your life confirms that part of you? It hurts in a way that goes right into the depths of you. You were vulnerable and perhaps hoping for a “your not that bad” reply, but what you get is confirmation that the yuckiest part of you is not only real, but visible to others.
Someone contacted me and affirmed the worst part of me. It really doesn’t matter if everything they said was based on total untruth, just hearing (or in my case reading) that someone thinks that badly of you burns. It burns in the deep recesses of my heart.
Like most people, I feel like I am not a great person, but not a terrible one either. I want to be better than I am, I want to do more, BE more. It takes time though, it takes time and work, it takes time and work and luck, it takes time and work and luck and perseverance, it takes time and work and luck and perseverance and the ability to forget who you were.
This last one is crucial and for me, the most difficult. I want to answer the person and defend myself, because I know that so much of what was said is just not true, but there is also this part of me that says, “see, you do suck, you do hurt people, you are just as bad as that little voice tells you late at night when you can’t sleep”. “See” the voice says, “it is all true”. That burns, it just does. It undoes lots of work, it turns me into a little boy looking for a reassuring hug when I have fallen. I want to scream out, I want to run away, I want to escape the brutality of the truth that I have hurt people. Not actually the person that thinks I have, but so many others. I have let people down, I have failed and I have done damage. I don’t want that to be true, but it is, and as that voice continually reminds me…I am still that person, and that truth burns.