I read a few blogs out there. I am pretty picky because I don’t have a lot of extra time, and well let’sf ace facts, I am also kind of just, well picky. Today I was reading Sarah Bessey’s blog (http://sarahbessey.com/) and this phrase leaped off the page at me – “She put on certainty like armour.” I read that and thought, that is me. I do that. I hide my doubts and insecurities with the “armour of certainty”. I don’t say this because I am proud of it, I don’t say it because I think it is a good thing, I say it because it is true.
Some people hear my “certainty” and they feel different but are scared to contradict…”he is so sure”. Some hear it and it gets their back up – “he is so sure”. Some just ignore it – “he is so sure”.
I am not sure. Not at all, not about anything really. I just put on the armour of certainty and go about my day. Life is easier that way. I don’t have to be scared, I don’t have to be hurt, I don’t have to be me. I get to be “Certain Dave”, the guy who knows, who can handle it, who is a doer. I’m not him though, I’m an 11 year old boy who is confused by the world, by all the hurt in it. My 11 year old self doesn’t understand why it has to be that way. My 47 year old self is scared he is helping to make it that way, and at the very least isn’t helping to change it.
The armour of certainty is dangerous, Oh it is a comforting place, but it is dangerous. It wounds those around me, and they put on their armour too. They have to, I have mine on. I want to scream sometimes, “see through this, see me, see this pain and hurt and longing and confusion, see it, know that this armour is not real”. I don’t though, I just go about my day and the hurt stays, the fear stays, the confusion stays, the longing stays.
I look around and wonder is everyone the same? I think it is time to take off the armour, i’m just not really sure how to do that, I guess one piece at a time, just like how I made it in the first place. life is short, too short to lock out those around me.
Today I threw off a piece of armour. I don’t know how long the deconstruction will take, but I do know that this is important if I ever really want to help others, they need to see i am helping because I am hurting, not helping because I am certain. I help because in my hurt, I see theirs and I long to make it better for them. I am 11 and I am scarfed, but I see scared people around me, and I think maybe, just maybe, if I stand with them, the world will be less scary for them, and me too.