I’m having a bit of a tough week. It is not one of those weeks that some people have where they lose their jobs and their dog runs away. I am not experiencing a country music kind of week. It is still a tough week for me though. I went to visit my father yesterday. He is in a long term care facility. He didn’t know who I was, and was not really responsive to any questions or conversation. I drove 45 minutes each way to have a conversation with a man I love who no longer knows me. He looked at me and I could see him searching my face for a clue to who I was, I saw him come up with nothing. It hurt. I felt lost, I felt beyond lost actually. I felt rudderless, I felt anger and sorrow and frustration, and guilt. I don’t visit him as often as I think I should, I know I should do better, but some times I simply can’t bring my self to do it. I can’t face that pain. I can’t face that longing. I can’t face that I was not a better son when I had the chance to be. There is huge pain in realizing that I have been found wanting. To the depths of my soul I want to have a conversation with this man, to get his advice, on anything at all.
I got home from the visit to receive a work email. Things aren’t going well there either. Nothing that is truly in my control, but it affects me. I feel responsible, I feel like there must be something I can do, should do. I just don’t know what. At the same time, things are going well there. It is really one area that there is an issue. I wish I could change it though. I feel helpless.
So in two different areas of my life yesterday, I felt helpless and lost. I felt and feel like I am letting people down. It hurts to feel like the guy who doesn’t succeed, who doesn’t do the amazing thing at the amazing time and doesn’t save the world, or the girl, or even myself from the situation that is going awry. I don’t even know if it is all that awry. Am I being too sensitive?Am I failing in that way too? Or wait, if I am failing that way, maybe not failing in the other two? I’m not sure.
I feel a bit like an automaton. I am going about my business trying not to show my feelings to those around me. I really don’t know what else to do. This is my coping strategy. It is not a good one. It is just the best I have come up with after 47 years. I feel like I am failing myself as well as those around me. I feel like if I don’t show it to people then maybe it is all in my head. They won’t even notice the pain, the torture. Maybe I am capable of fooling everyone. Perhaps, but should I?
Last night, I got a text from a friend about the Ken Ham/Bill Nye debate. I was asked if I was watching it.
I feel like that sort of thing is like a politician’s speech, you bore your enemies and convince your friends. I don’t think too much of those debates. So I chose not to watch it.
Today I was inundated with a pile of stories about how bad it was about how nonsensical the Christian (Ken Ham) was in the debate. The general consensus seems to be that people who watched are further from God than they were before. This saddens me also.
I don’t talk about it much on here, but I believe in God. I didn’t always but I do now.
It is during weeks like this that I experience both sides of a debate in my head. I turn to God and wish I could feel Him changing my circumstances. I don’t though. My experience of God is not like that.
He doesn’t steer my ship that way, but He is with me, experiencing my pain and wishing with me that the pain wasn’t there.
I came to believe in Him rationally. I know many people cannot accept belief in God as rational, but I won’t debate you. I know God is. I feel it, even on days like this. I just don’t think I can argue you into believing what I believe. Nothing in my life has ever shown me that people are able to change their views midstream. Certainly not by arguing with someone.
God is my companion. God comforts me in times of sorrow, God strengthens me in times of weakness, God celebrates with me in times of joy. God is the place I go to in times of need. God is like my safest place. When I am away from it, I want to go back, when I leave it, I am aware that there is a separation.
I miss my dad today. I wish I could change circumstances. I wish I was stronger in my life. I wish…
I think on days like this, during weeks like this, it is terribly easy to miss that the sun shining (even though it is cold outside). It is so easy to miss that my life is quite good. Things are not perfect, but they rarely are. Today of all days, I must look and see that yes, it is a tough week, but it is not a country song week. My dog is still at home
I am at least grateful for that.