There are days.
There are days when I am feeling good, things are going good, and even when I hit a road bump, I slow and go over it. You know those days, you look in the mirror and go, “dude, you look good” (say this with attitude). The days when you just are happy and perky and friendly to others, let people in line in front of you, relaxed, easy going. Those days. Lets call them Type A days.
I love those days.
Other days, nothing is really wrong or right, just a day, you go along and you may let people in, you may not, whatever. You look in the mirror and accept that it is you. You feel okay, not really great, but not bad either. lets call these Type B days.
Those are most days.
Then there are the other days.
On those other days, you look and say, that can’t be me, I don’t look like that, I sure don’t feel like I look like that. When did I get so… (you fill in the blank). Days when even if things felt okay, slowly life convinces you that it is a lot of things, but okay isn’t one of them. You forget things, you drop things, you feel grumpy or annoyed, you are struggling. Struggling to get through, to get past, to get around. The days when road bumps seem like mountains, and you have energy to maybe stay the course, but for sure not enough energy to climb. Lets call these Type C days.
Now if you have depression, your capacity to climb is less even on good days. I’m not particularly talking about that, though the experience is the same, depressive people just have less of Type A, and more Type B, and way too many Type C days.
Today is a Type C day. It didn’t feel that way this morning, but I have learned that these Type C days are sneaky, they pose as B’s or A’s, but they aren’t. They are Type C, and they want to sap you, they want to steal the day from you, they want to suck your energy. They want to win, and as important they want you to lose. Every time you lose it is like a victory that they can celebrate and remind you of on other days, on better days. If you don’t fight for the A’s and B’s, then C’s will steal the day from you.
Today, I am fighting, to get back my Type A day, or at least a Type B day. Type C cannot win today. Today is too important, today is too valuable. There is only one today, if I let C win, I will not get it back, it will be a reminder of my failure, a reminder of my loss.
Every day is today, every day is important. Every day I need to engage and fight for the A’s and B’s. Every day I need to resist the C.
Life is a mess, I live in the mess, cause where else, but I can be better than I have been, I can fight more, I can win more…can’t I?
Or is that a trap, is that another way C can win, by making me fight more and using that against me when I don’t have the energy anymore? I don’t know. I do know that if I don’t try, life will be all C’s with a few B’s, so fight I must and fight I will.
Yes, life is a mess and I am messy, but messy does not mean unworthy and C has told me that too many days, so today I fight.
Bring on the A.